I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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