Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
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But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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