I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Randomize