I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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