my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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