This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
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her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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