So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
