apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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