dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
