Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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