Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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