you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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