Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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