at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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