all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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