hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
