I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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