You're my little dorito
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
