and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
