Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
