I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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