I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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