Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
