I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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