whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
