I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
