Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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