All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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