kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Found your dick twin last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
