i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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