I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
