you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
