the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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