He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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