recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
