please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
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Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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