please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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