it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All the doctor said was why
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
