He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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