I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
