the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
