OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
