Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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