Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
