eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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