the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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