well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
