I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
