I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
