So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
