When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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