Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
