The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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