apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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