I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
