I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
