i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
