I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
