If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
